Introducing the Modern Love Machine

A month and a half ago, the Modern Fella and I were watching our beloved Tennessee Titans get raped in the snow by the New England Patriots (final score: 59-0). The Titans' (now former) punter, Reggie Hodges, shanked a punt that went only 21 yards, and the Modern Fella declared he could punt farther than that while naked in the snow. I told him he'd have to back that declaration up the first time we got somewhat measurable snow in Knoxville, and he agreed. The prize for doing so was I would grant his wish of being known as 'The Modern Love Machine' instead of the Modern Fella.

Guess what? It snowed last night. We woke up to a beautiful blanket of snow on the ground, rooftops and trees -- everywhere but the roads, which is the best kind of snow, in my opinion.

So this morning, we got to work rounding up a camera and football. By the time we got to the park, there wasn't a whole lot of snow left, but there was enough on the football field to make the MF's attempt legit.

By request of some of my modern friends, here is the video evidence:



So the Modern Fella shall henceforth be known as, 'The Modern Love Machine."

Snow, football, The MF and a bet

Well, hello there.

Busy season has gotten super-crazy-hit-me-over-the-head busy, so it's been kind of hard to do anything of the blogging nature. I did want to stop in and tell you all I'm alive and haven't cracked under the pressure of busy season yet (though I'm sure it's coming).

The Modern Fella has been handling busy season quite well. We have to squeeze whatever time we can get together in since his teaching hours don't completely jibe with my working life. Even with the moodiness that seems to spring forth at least once a week and the fact that I'm late to everything, he hasn't appeared to want to kill me yet, and I think he might actually still like me too, so bonus. This past weekend was my only completely free weekend out of 13 weekends, so we got to spend a lot of time together, and it was wonderful.

Speaking of The MF, here's an anecdote and bet that needs to go on the record for posterity's sake. (And it's not really about football, I promise).

The MF and I share a love for the same NFL team, that team unfortunately being the Tennessee Titans, now better known as the Tennessee Titanics after they lost 59-0 to the New England Patriots this weekend and dropped to 0-6 overall. If you saw a single highlight of that game, you'll know it was snowing. Not just snowing, but SNOWING!!! I can't seem to find how much snow actually fell, but it looked like it was in the feet department rather than foot or inches. **

Anywho, down 38-0 a minute or two before halftime the Titans had to punt. Again. Which is bad, of course, because in football punting means you failed to score points. For the Titans it's doubly bad because their main punter is super-injured so they signed some unknown guy out of nowhere to get them through until main punter gets healthy again. It is a serious crap shoot whenever newby punter punts (which is all the time, of course). Add in a dose of heavy snow, and well, I should have just closed my eyes.

Ok, so down 38-0, just before halftime, newby punter punting and he punts it 21 yards -- which is at minimum about half as far as you want him to punt it -- and the following conversation takes place:

MF: 'Ahhh, I totally could have punted that farther.'
MG: 'Oh really? In the snow?'
MF: 'Yes. I could have punted that farther in the snow while naked.'
MG: 'Oh really?'
MF: 'Yes.'
MG: 'You know we're going to test this theory out the first time it snows in Knoxville this winter.'
MF: 'Fine. And if I punt it farther than him, I get to be known as The Modern Love Machine on your blog.'
MG: 'Fine. But only if you punt it father than him in the snow while naked.'

The MF has wanted his name changed to The Modern Love Machine for a while now. I told him I'd have to lose a bet for that to happen. So now you know the terms of the bet. And we're just waiting for it to snow in Knoxville. And you can betcha we will find out if he can punt a football farther than 21 yards in the snow while naked.

I may even YouTube it.

**Modern Jennifer reports it was just a couple of inches. (see comment below) I guess the TV camera adds a few inches to snow just like it adds pounds to a person.

Not so modern guys

My friend Modern Kate, who shares my love of sports had this posted as her Facebook status a little while ago. I thought it was worth sharing and debating:

"Yesterday, Chris Berman explained how the NFL was participating in "Breast Awareness Sunday." That night, Al Michaels told a national audience "it'd be easy for [Mike Tomlin] to tell his wife to take care of it," re: parent-teacher conferences. Might be time to get some lady advisers in on the pre-game meeting, fellas."

The 'Breast Awareness Sunday' Berman was speaking of was actually Breast Cancer Awareness Sunday. Teams had breast cancer awareness promotions and players donned pink shoes and goal posts were wrapped with pink padding.

I have no idea what Al Michaels was referring to, but I can't think of a context where it really matters.

So, what do you think? Do Berman and Michaels need a little smack for talking like chauvinists on national television? Or do we give them both a pass because they're idiots anyway? Modern guys, I'd love your opinion too.

For the record, I think MK is right in that those broadcasts need some smart, modern gals who can set these guys straight.

Play it cool

Happy football Saturday from Chicago Bears (and former Vandy) QB, Jay Cutler ...

Better get yourself together darlin'

If you're from around these parts (these parts being my home state of Tennessee), you might know that a defensive back for the Tennessee football team managed to break the jaw of the UCLA quarterback when he sacked him. The Vols lost that game, but the fans found some enjoyment in the fact that their team at least did some physical damage and managed to get a 2-point safety play out of it. In the game the very next week one of Tennessee's starting wide receivers had his jaw broken AND the Vols lost the game.

Dwell on that for a second while I change the subject, sorta.

I'd like to think when it comes to being wronged I'm pretty good at forgiving and eventually forgetting, even if the latter part takes a while. I'd hope any of the people I wrong take the same approach. Even when I can't completely forget something that's upset me, I can usually put it out of my mind for a while. But every so often you're forced to confront what's happened. Something reminds you of the event, or worse, you run into the person responsible.

Such was the case earlier this week for me. I won't go into detail about with whom or how I crossed paths because the details aren't necessary.

The thing is, I just really wanted to sock the person. One good, hard round upper cut and be done with it.

Now, I'm not an aggressive person in any way. I've never punched or slapped anyone in my life. The most physical sport I've ever played was intramural football -- oh wait, that is kind of aggressive -- but I was the one who would attempt to pull our quarterback away from whomever she was attempting to punch. I can't think of any times I've ever had the urge to resort to violence, but good gracious I wanted to pop this person.

It was all about karmic retribution. This person did something that was a huge shot to my pride without appearing to miss a beat. I wanted to return the favor. It wasn't anything that's done any lasting damage, but I just knew -- KNEW -- I'd feel better.

Did I do it? I've done it a dozen times in my head since then. But of course I didn't actually do it. Modern gals don't punch people unless it's in self defense.

When I found out the next day about the wide receiver's jaw, the first thing I wondered was if it was the universe's own little justice system meting out punishment. Obviously the defensive back did not physically break his own teammate's jaw, but the timing of it all was uncanny.

I wonder if the universe has already taken care of business somehow on my behalf. Universe, if you have, I'd like to know about it.

I just hope I'm not in line for some retribution for all those mental punches.

Glad he's on my team

Y'all, I know I keep saying this, but life is super busy right now. Like in a bad, bad way. Busy season at work has hit me like a 10-ton pile of bricks and I haven't had any time to myself away from work in what feels like 10 years. I don't see it changing anytime soon, but I'm going to try to get some balance back, I swear.

So for now, enjoy this ... the most perfectly executed fake punt I've ever seen, and it just happens to be by the reserve punter for my Tennessee Titans. Now, I have no clue why coach Jeff Fisher thought it necessary to pull a fake punt on the opening drive of the Hall of Fame Game (ie a fake game), but man, it was sweet.

To win it all

On the way out of the neighborhood the other day, I passed a car sporting Pittsburgh Steelers flags and magnets. For a half a second, I had the thought 'Why are you still flying those? The season ended two months ago!' I was instantly ashamed of myself for thinking that. Their team won the Super Bowl! As loyal, honest, hardworking sports fans, they have ever right to fly those flags through the end of next season or until their Super Bowl championdom ends.

It's been a while since we've discussed the rules of being a fan, and now is as good a time as ever to talk fandom rules as we are in the middle of an ever-maddening March.

My friend Lauren now takes her Philadelphia Phillies koozie out every time she goes drinking. When the St. Louis Cardinals won the World Series in 2006, I immediately popped a bottle of Asti Spumani and danced around the living room. And I didn't shut up about it until the Cardinals fired their general manager the next season for sucking it up big time.

And I'm still talkin' about it now! So much so that it's all gone to my head and made it huge.

So I ask you, Modern Friends: what are the appropriate ways of rejoicing your team's superiority over the rest of their league when they win the ultimate title? How much is too much? How would you celebrate if your team won it all?

Movie-a-minute

Modern Friends, this, my day off, is not exactly going as planned. First I discovered water to be trickling ever so slowly out of the bottom of my hot-water tank and onto the floor. Then I learn my boy Albert Haynesworth has struck a deal with the Washington Redskins. THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS. They are not the Tennessee Titans.

So I'm trying to distract myself with more time wasters and found a good one today: movies in ultra-condensed form. This really boils them down to the basics, really all you need to know.

Take, for example, an old favorite of mine, Casablanca:

Ingrid Bergman: Oh, Rick.
Humphrey Bogart: Oh, Ilsa.
Paul Henreid: Oh, nuts.
Conrad Veidt: Oh, (dies).

Yep, that's pretty much all you need to know.

There's also the 30-second version done by the Angry Alien bunnies. Here's the whole list of bunny movie re-enactments.

A rather satisfying Super Bowl

I'd say that was a successful Super Bowl, wouldn't you? I watched the game at a party hosted by a couple of Steelers fans, so out of respect for the hosts (and the fact that they were feeding us :) I rooted for Pittsburgh. Really, I'm just glad it turned out to be a hell of a game. There's nothing worse than a boring Super Bowl.

And um, hello? Bruce Springsteen's crotch? Yeah. At least we modern gals got a little somethin' somethin' in this Super Bowl halftime show malfunction.

The commercials turned out to be decent, despite the toned-down nature. I kind of like the fact that there was some commercial downtime that gave me a chance to snatch another beer or yummy snack. You can watch them all on Hulu.

My favorites:



The small animal abuse was hilarious. And every time it happened, it was still just as funny. And the koala had glasses and a cup of coffee! What's not funny about that?



Maybe it's my love of the Potato Heads, but freakin' hilarious!



Love the update on an old classic. And so fitting with Troy Polamalu.


All of the cutesy-wootsy V-day jewelry commercials are pissing me off. This one, on the other hand, is perfect.

What was your Super Bowl highlight?

Football? Super-dee-dooper

So I've had a really, really hard time getting jazzed about this Super Bowl, but I don't think I'm the only one. I totally forgot about the big game until a few days ago. (Seriously, what is wrong with me?) I stopped watching football when my beloved Titans lost in the AFC Divisional Championship game. And when I say lost, I mean they beat themselves, thus removing themselves from the playoffs. I'm still very, very angry about it.

Anyway, I don't really know which team to root for. I think I could justify being happy for either team. Supporting Pittsburgh would mean following the rules of sports fandom: team first, league second. Sure, the Steelers are sort-of rivals of the Titans, but they're not rivals of the Indianapolis or Baltimore variety. So were they to win, yay for AFC superiority.

And the Cardinals, well, they obviously get the underdog vote of support. Plus they share a name with my favorite baseball team and once shared a city with that team, so yay for redbird solidarity.

What to do? I guess I'll have a beer or two and some snacky food and try to figure it out.

In the mean time, here's a commercial teaser to get you ready:

Your post-national championship primer

I guess no one else watched the national championship game either as I had no volunteers to guest post about it. It's quite alright. We're totally into the football burnout period of the sports calendar. Even when I did get off work and in front of a TV, I had a hard time focusing on the game.

Anyway, there's still some good stuff being written about the game today which you should check out. (I swear I'll get away from all this listmaking and back to real posting soon.)

• Real Clear Sports has a list of all the really, really awful puns being made in honor of the national chomp-, ahem, champions.
• Deadspin has the first sad-faced Sooner picture up.
• Rocky Top Talk noted the power of Google. And eye black. And Tim Tebow.
• Missed the game? Here's really all you need to see. I've seen some really amazing picks this year, but Ahmad Blacks? Unfreakinbelievable.
• And finally, Salon (as found by Mickey) dubs the real national champion, Tulane. Yes, the Tulane that finished 2-10. Read the explanation. It's BRILLIANT.

A little something for everyone today

OK. First some housekeeping. I have the unfortunate distinction of working nights tonight, which means I will not be able to watch much of the national championship game. I know, it's a HUGE tragedy. I may try to tape it, but I doubt that I'll go back and watch it unless it's some sort of instant classic. (Still no TiVo. I'm working to remedy that situation in the coming week or two.)

I am entertaining offers from you, Modern Friends, to guest post about the game either tonight or tomorrow morning. You know, a little recap, some snarky commentary and maybe a funny picture. Preference will be given to those with an SEC bias, but if there are no such volunteers, I'll take someone from the other side. Please volunteer by leaving a comment below or e-mailing me.

Now, on to today's post. My mind is sort of all over the place right now, so here's a laundry list of healthy articles to peruse:

• Hungry Girl has updated her shopping list of the best grocery finds for 2009. I bet it will come in handy if you've been planning to eat more healthily this year.
  
• Health Magazine shows you some yoga poses you can do to encourage better sleep. This is a big issue for me right now, so I'm definitely going to try them. I also like sipping a cup of chamomile tea before bed, but lately I've had to rely on Tylenol PM.
• Whenever you join a new training program at a gym, they always give you a physical fitness test. Here's one you can do on your own from Real Simple.

Time out for sports

I would be totally remiss if I didn't mention last night's Fiesta Bowl today.



Ohio State, you almost -- ALMOST -- pulled off a moral victory by taking down to the wire a team that had every ax in the world to grind. But that said, you still let them beat you in the most embarrassing of fashion, just a slightly different kind of embarrassing than the last two BCS games you played in. Well played, Buckeyes.

Also, Mack Brown, you are an absolute idiot, dear sir, and a perfect example of everything I hate about Texas. For that statement alone, your team shouldn't even be considered for the national title.

Ok, I just decided I'm tired of talking about these two teams.

(Cheers to EDSBS for video)

He tripped

I'm neither a fan of the New England Patriots nor NFL TV commentators, but I am in full support of both in the following moment:



Seriously, there should be a snow angel exception to the excessive celebration rule. In fact, he should get an extra point for making such a good snow angel. I love how the fans start throwing snow.

Southeast or Middle East?

The SEC is well-known in the football for the ability to eat its own: it's rare that a team can run the tables in the league because on any given Saturday, a Vanderbilt or Mississippi State can beat a Florida or Alabama.

Eating its own? Sounds kinda like the Middle East and its passionate brand of in-fighting ... This is a sorta old article, but funny nonetheless: The SEC as Middle Eastern countries.

Let's talk about college football

... because it is a complete mess right now.

I turned to someone last Saturday as I watched the demise of Texas Tech at the hands of Oklahoma and said "the BCS is fucked." Because it totally is and has always been.

Let me first acknowledge that the SEC is having a major off year. Alabama and Florida aside (BTW, I'm calling Florida FTW of the SEC championship), the SEC is a bastion of mediocrity this year. I'm not afraid to say that. I've been known to call out a certain conference or two for being mediocre, and I'm certainly going to call out the one I care for. Seven of the 12 SEC teams have five, six or seven wins which equals mega mediocrity. I don't know what happened, but I'm going to chalk it up as a rebuilding year for the league, because that's what you do when your team is down.

The Big 12 did the country a favor and carried the torch of dominant football, for which the SEC should be grateful. Oklahoma, Texas and Texas Tech's little three-way divisional tie has made for a most interesting story line. But you know what's unacceptable? The tie being split by the teams' BCS rankings. I'm sorry, but are you trying to give the BCS more cred, Big 12? SEC, that goes for you should the problem ever arise. Come up with a tiebreaker system that does not leave the fate of the conference to a freakin' computer.

So now we've got six one-loss teams who will all whine about being deserving of a national championship bid. (You probably know where I'm going with this.) The SEC and Big 12 champs should get the bids because they will have one more win than anyone else.

I know I'm going to have some Big Ten+1/Pac-10 fans arguing with me. Sure, those conferences shouldn't be forced to hold conference championship games, but unless you come of with a smart and reasonable argument why 11-1>12-1, I'm not changing my mind. Feel free to argue (civilly) with me.

No. 10, your stock has fallen

Mickey demanded a sports posting because of all the makeup talk that's been going on around here lately. Well, ask and ye shall receiver.

I was going to get into the current state of college football, because it's about time we start thinking about the postseason, but something caught my eye yesterday while I was out doing some shopping with The Modern Beau.

He and I are dedicated fans of our state's NFL team, that being the Tennessee Titans. If you haven't noticed because you don't follow the NFL, you should be aware that the Titans are 9-0, as in undefeated.

The amazing thing is if you knew anything about the team without realizing they were undefeated, you would expect them to be somewhere closer to the 3-6 or 4-5 range. Their star quarterback, Vince Young, injured his knee in the first game of the season. You know Vince Young. He was the ridiculously good University of Texas quarterback who single-handedly led the Longhorns in a come-from-behind national championship victory over USC in 2006.

VY was only supposed to be out a couple of weeks while the 35-year-old, recovering alcoholic backup quarterback, Kerry Collins filled in. Then a funny thing happened. Kerry Collins kept winning and winning and winning, and VY went crazy -- disappearing for more than a day that had coach Jeff Fisher sending the cops in search of him.

And here we are 10 weeks into the season and under the leadership of Collins the scrappy Titans are being mentioned in the same sentence as the words "Super" and "Bowl." Yes, please.

So, what does all this have to do with me shopping yesterday? This:

That would be a 20% off sign on the rack that holds the Vince Young jerseys. And let me assure you, the No. 10 jerseys were the ONLY Titans items on sale. That Chris Johnson sweatshirt I wanted? definitely $65.

And when you visit the Titans' official online store, there's only one player who's stuff is on clearance. Yep, you guessed it.

Vanderbilt: going platinum

ESPN Gameday kicked things up a notch when it decided to head to Vanderbilt, because you know why everyone watches Gameday? No, not to see what lame prediction Corso makes or to watch a tearjerker feature about how Tim Tebow is the second coming. It's for the signs. You know, like how people read Playboy for the articles.

So where better to get some smart, witty, creative signs than the SEC's only top 25 school? A few of the signs got big play: "The geek shall inherit the turf," "What's worse? Auburns offense or the economy?" and "You're blocking the library."

Football Jesus lists some of the other greats, including my favorite penned by a friend of mine: "Hey Kirk, the SEC drew straws, It's Vandy’s turn to beat Ohio State in a bowl game."

You can vote for your favorite of five signs each week on the Gameday website. (You have to click the Gameday location on the map and then on "vote for top 5 signs.")

Anarchy in college football

I was so busy schooling myself on the bailout that I nearly neglected to celebrate the annual return of Upset Week in college football. Good thing USC and Oregon State did me a favor by alerting me to its arrival on Thursday night or else I might have missed it.

But even more exciting than that perhaps was Florida getting upended in the Swamp by none other than the Nutt and his merry band of Mississippians. There's nothing I love more than to see that evil grin on the Nutt's face after he's done something particularly heinious, like ruin the Gators' shot at perfection.

Some of you may question how Florida led by none other than the golden child himself, Tim Tebow, could fall to such a villanous crew. Elementary, my dear college football fan: The Heisman Trophy curse. It was inevitable. Sure, the curse mostly deals with Trophy winners going on to failing in the NFL, but Tebow is ahead of the curve and is failing now. And bringing his team down with him.

If Upset Week wasn't enough for you to question life as we know it, then certainly the fact that GameDay is going to Vanderbilt for the first time EVER shakes your world a bit. I'm only sad I'm no longer in Nashville to witness it.

A primer on Big Ten/Pac-10 relations

Modern Friends, in the world of college football there are some big rivalries: Alabama v. Auburn, Florida v. Georgia, Tennessee v. Alabama. Even though we Southerners don't readily acknowledge football outside the Mason-Dixon line, there is a bit of a rivalry among the SEC and Big Ten+1.

Today another conference rivalry hits the big stage once again on College Gameday: the Big Ten v. Pac-10. And because The Modern Gal is more of an expert on Southern football, she has turned to her friend Herman, an expert on Big Ten/Pac-1o relations to give us the lowdown.

So, football fans, here we are, gearing up for the big “Game of the Year,” featuring No. 5 Ohio State at No. 1 USC. Lest you be unaware of mega-implications of this huge, huge game (kickoff at 8 p.m. ET), suffice it to say that this is for all the marbles.

Winner of the game will cement its status as the top-ranked, numero uno, top dog team in all the nation — for this week, at least. Loser will…still likely be a national title contender, when all is said and done.

Ok, so these early season games are full of hype and often have little bearing on sorting out the national championship race. Such are the vagaries of the football polls and computer rankings that determine these things. But that’s no reason we shouldn’t play along with the hype. Big-time nonconference games this early in the season are rare, so go ahead and fire up the school pride, with conference bragging rights on the line — for this week, at least.

Since this huge matchup is a Pac-10 vs. BigTen affair, The Modern Gal has graciously asked me to guestblog on Pac-10/BigTen relations. I’m qualified to do this because I grew up in Los Angeles as a USC fan and then later attended college at Northwestern. (In fact, I am a season ticket holder for Northwestern football. I used to joke that this makes me a masochist for bad football. But then, we actually became a decent program, and now we NU fans are defensive about our team. Did you know, for instance, that since 1995, only four BigTen programs have a winning record against Northwestern? Just doing my part to spread “Wildcataganda,” as the esteemed NU football blog, Lake the Posts calls it.)

At any rate, the Pac-10 and BigTen share a pretty strong bond. It used to be stronger. And the bowl that bound was the Rose Bowl, which used to always match up the Pac-10 champion against the BigTen champion in sunny Southern California on New Years’ Day. But now, evil forces (i.e. money, greed, C. Montgomery Burns) have conspired to ruin this fine tradition.

See, back several years ago, the NCAA and university presidents decided that for the good of amateur athletics, they should convince network television to pay hundreds of millions of dollars in exchange for the rights to broadcast a series of made-for-tv bowl games. And thus the BCS was born. It is short for Big College Sellout.

Four bowl games, later expanded to five, are now the centerpiece of the BCS, and it features the champions of all the top conferences and Notre Dame, even when the biggest win Notre Dame has had all season is against the Sunny Hills High School JV squad.

The idea was that the tv network with the rights to the BCS could then match up the No. 1 and No. 2 teams, based on polls and rankings and eenie-meenie-meinie-moe, in a “BCS national championship” game. The other conference champions would play in these other BCS bowl games that the tv network would beg people to watch, but nobody would bother.

For a while, the Pac-10 and the BigTen resisted this move. They didn’t like the idea of having to play their top bowl game in places like Tempe, when they could be living it up in Los Angeles. But then the other conferences got mad and called the Pac-10 and BigTen obstructionist, un-American and “not seeing the big picture,” among other things. So eventually, they relented.

Well, I say, fooey, to all that. For decades, Pac-10 and BigTen teams have looked forward to the Rose Bowl, a New Year’s Day tradition. Every year, hordes of pasty BigTen fans would flock down to Los Angeles and subject unsuspecting Californians to high doses of Midwestern friendliness.

But now, you’re just as likely to see Texas or Florida State (ok, maybe not Florida State) in the Rose Bowl, and the Pac-10 and BigTen champs might be forced to play in the Orange Bowl or Sugar Bowl, because an NCAA official said so. The biggest slap in the face was in 2003, when an undefeated USC got shafted out of the national championship game (not overhyped enough). Why give up the tradition of the Rose Bowl when your conferences’ teams get jobbed of the chance to play for the national title, anyway?

So I say the Pac-10 and BigTen should pull out of the BCS and go back to pitting their champions in the Rose Bowl. The current system of determining the national champion is already a farce, so what would be the harm? College football, with its conference alignments, is a regional sport, with regional pride. Let the Rose Bowl have its BigTen/Pac-10 matchup, let the ACC and BigEast champs play in the Orange Bowl, put the SEC and Big12 champs in the Sugar Bowl, and there you have it.

It’ll never happen, of course. Too much money at stake. That’s an NCAA tradition that never gets old.