Why you shouldn't tempt the universe

I haven't posted as much as I usually do in the past few days. If you noticed this, thank you so much for noticing, but either way I'm sorry. I've always aimed to post twice a day: once to share something I've found out in the world that I think you'll love as much as I and again to write slightly personally about my own life and often for my own reasons. I started with this goal not long after I birthed this blog 10 months ago (seriously, has it been that long?) with the idea that two posts should be easy enough, especially if they're not long ones. A really well-known blogger once told me that the good bloggers post often and with regularity, and that's what I wanted to do too.

Well, I'm here to say that notion is probably going out the window for a while. Possibly even a long while.

You know how I said only two days ago that everything was "clicking along comfortably?" And that even though I knew that feeling wouldn't last forever, I kind of expected it to continue for a bit? Yeah, well, that warm-fuzzy feeling is gone already thanks to an ass-chewing delivered to me at work today. It was bad. It was go-hide-in-the-back-closet-and-cry-for-10-minutes bad. I haven't decided if it was the worst one I've ever gotten or the second-worst, but considering I've been working in my career for nearly six years, that should give you some perspective of how bad it was.

I don't think I'm on the verge of being fired, but that may be more because my bosses realize they'd be up the proverbial creek without the proverbial paddle without me than because my bosses feel I should be spared. I'll still pretend they want to spare me.

The universe apparently felt I needed to be put in my place after shouting "everything in my life is A-OK, and I like it that way!" Here's a tip: NEVER FORGET TO KNOCK ON WOOD. Or just keep your mouth shut in the first place.

The ass-chewing was a bitter pill to swallow, for sure. My job is demanding enough on my professional abilities, my mental health and my personal life without having the added guilt of knowing I'm letting people down. The fun parts of the job have gotten to be fewer and farther in between. I've never been 100 percent sure that it's my calling and have thought about quitting more than once. What stops me is that I kinda like not having to worry about where the next rent check is coming from thanks to that decent biweekly check my company sends me. I know I can't be a slave to money, but I'm not going to quit anything without having a plan of action to take care of myself. Unfortunately, ever plan I've come up with is going to require me to work for another year or two, so the best I can do now is suck it up and make the best of my current employment opportunity. Thanks, Mom and Dad, for instilling a sense of responsibility and independence in me.

I wish I could tell you more about what it is I do and what I'm struggling with, but I can't. I can't risk any more problems. I can say this: I feel like I'm drowning without a life preserver. I have so many repsonsibilities and so many people I have to keep happy and I'm having a hard time managing them all while maintaining my sanity. I'm a person who loves to have balance in her life, and my job is throwing me completely off balance.

So here it comes.

I'm taking a step back.

I'm not taking a break. Or a hiatus. Or a vacation. I still plan to blog, because sometimes it's my blogging that is the only thing that keeps me sane. It's my outlet when I'm not allowed to have one elsewhere in my life. I'm just not going to be doing so with such regularity or frequency. I'll do it when I do have time or when I feel absolutely compelled. I'm also not going to be keeping up with everyone else's blogs as well as I usually do. I just can't keep up with the pace I've set for myself. Something in my life has to give, and it can't be my job and I don't want it to be my personal life either.

Tears are streaming down my face as I type this because The Modern Gal has been my touchstone during the past year when things have been really, really, really bad. I may not have let on to you how bad things were at times, but just being able to talk about something else often helped. I'm sure it would help me feel better as I recover from the newest blow, but the only thing that is going to help me ACTUALLY GET BETTER is to work even longer hours and put forth even more effort at the job than I have been. That sentence alone is a dagger through my chest because I already feel like I'm working too much.

How long will this last? I don't know. 'Til I feel like I can give myself permission to put some focus back into blogging. My busy work season won't end until April. I hope I will have found more balance in my life before then, but I have no way of knowing. Maybe I'll decide tomorrow that I can't live without my usual blogging routine, but I'm pretty sure that won't be the case.

The thing I hate the most is letting The Modern Gal down. And I don't mean me. I mean our circle of friendship here at The Modern Gal. I love all my Modern Friends so much, which is why I always want to share with you all the cool things going on in the Modern World. You are all a part of my personal life, and I don't want our friendship to suffer. Just know that even if I'm not sharing stuff with you or participating on your blogs, I'm still thinking about you.

When I started The Modern Gal, I did so with the idea that I might try to bring in some collaborating Modern Gals and Guys to be co-writers here. That's come to fruition some with guest blogging. As always, I'm open to guest blog posts any time from anyone who needs a forum for what they've got to say. I want to continue to extend that invitation to all of you even now. I'm not going to be begging for any guest bloggers to help maintain The Modern Gal, but if you have the urge to write then it's here for you.

And since this incredibly long post has drained my emotion (which I kind of needed it to do) and I'd like to go out on a smiley note, here's a song that has always made me smile: