Ok, first off -- THANK YOU, FRIENDS. I cannot begin to tell you the number of e-mails and phone calls and text messages and tweets and every other medium you can imagine I've received from friends offering support. I have been absolutely blown away by the kindness. I've been blindsided by a breakup before after a relationship that only lasted a couple months, and it took probably a good year to recover from. I didn't have nearly this kind of support at the time, and I can already see what a difference it makes. If I haven't responded to your message or note, please don't take it personally. I want to get back to everyone, it just may take some time. And I will take everyone up on your offers to talk or visit. In fact, I'm making a list ... you may be sorry you offered :)
I debated whether or not I was going to blog about the breakup. I wasn't sure if it was best to put something like this out there for the whole world to read about. But after a day of dwelling on it, I decided it was absolutely the right thing to do. Blogging is my therapy, and you are my friends. Friends talk about stuff like this. I think it's going to help me grieve publically for a little while, lest I risk hiding in my turtleshell and withdrawing from the world. I still haven't been able to talk about it out loud, but it is very much helping to write about it. And to hear from all of you. I really cannot tell you how good it is to be so loved. I'm probably going to keep writing about it for a little while, but I plan to still do some of my regular non-personal writing, just to try to keep my life a bit normal in some ways. So, if this stuff isn't your thing, there will still be other stuff here for you to read. I promise the personal posts will be as interesting as I can make them, though. I defintely don't want The Modern Gal to turn into The Modern Moper.
Since I wrote that post on Saturday, a few other things have happened. I talked a little bit more with him, or rather let him say what he felt he needed to say. It didn't help me one bit to hear his words, and I knew he wasn't going to say anything to make things better, but I don't know. I felt like I should give him the opportunity to say more since I couldn't on Saturday. But that was it. That was the last effort I'm going to give him until I decide I'm absolutely over him (which may be never) or we cross paths somehow.
I actually had a surprise visit on Sunday from a work colleague, who was in town for a work assignment and needed to use my internet. I didn't tell him what had happened at first, and that helped me feel normal for a while. I told him as he was leaving, and he demanded to take me out for drinks tonight when I got off work, which I'm allowing.
In fact, I'm trying to fill up my social calendar as much as possible for the coming weeks. Modern Jay has promised to keep a dinner date that was originally scheduled as a foursome thing. I'm going to visit my best friend in South Carolina this weekend to do a bit of decompressing with one of the few people I'm OK with seeing me cry. My mom is coming up next weekend and staying for a week, which will be wonderful. I think she was about to get in the car immediately when I told her what happened yesterday and make the six-hour drive, but I told her to wait until we could spend more time together. (She also offered to hire some dude named Luigi to take care of business, but I told her I'd pretend I didn't hear that.) I'm also tentatively planning trips to Atlanta to visit Currer Bell and Nashville to visit my friends there and a weekend ski trip with myself, all before the end of February.
I'm trying to figure out a time when I can get a facial and when I can visit this place for a little mani/pedi action. (Yes, that place is for real. I feel like they'll be supportive.) I guess breaking up is not only hard to do, it's also extremely expensive. I have no idea where the money to pay for all this stuff is going to come from. Maybe I'll send him a bill?
I'm finding distraction is a very, very, very good thing. I've never been so glad to be at work as I have been today. I've never felt the urge to be so dedicated to work. I certainly hope those feelings continue. I e-mailed my officemate this morning before I went into work to tell him what happened, and he promised we wouldn't have to talk about it so that work could be a breakup-free zone.
I'm now trying to make lists to keep my life in order because I'm having a hard forcing myself to take care of necessities. To-do lists tend to be a good motivator though, and at the top of that list is taking down the Christmas tree, an activity originally scheduled for Saturday afternoon until, well, you know. Also on the list: grocery shopping. I'm about to run out of the Christmas tamales from my aunt that I've been subsisting on for the past week. If I don't take myself to the grocery store soon, I'm going to be eating cereal three times a day.
The good thing is, I've always been so super-independent that I'm probably as well-equipped to handle a breakup as any gal would be. Of course, that doesn't make things that much easier. My heart still physically hurts. I still randomly burst out crying at times. I still can't talk about it. I still feel like the world is caving in at the thought of it's over, it's actually over.
But once again, thank you for your love. I absolutely cannot imagine what shape I would be in without it.